Indie Dudland: Not Nidhogg

Good afternoon, readers! Poor news: due to an expected trip to Cologne this weekend combining with an unexpected illness during that trip, I’ve found myself unable to produce the same level of high-quality Indie Wonderlanding you’ve come to expect of me. Which is to say, I got drunk and I got sick in no particular order and that left me with no time to write about people that may or may not be squids. My apologies. Regular service should resume next week, my insides willing.

Now, in fairness, I did have a feature planned for today where me and my co-host JPH ‘Woogles’ Ninjaton would take a look at Nidhogg, the lo-fi high-complexity fencing tug-of-war simulator that’s been sweeping up indie game prizes like an overambitious vacuum cleaner due a promotion. But, hey, illness, what’cha gonna do. This feature is, therefore, currently still in the works. In order to not leave you completely empty-handed this week, though, as I do, I’ve created a brief mood impression of our first time playing Nidhogg over voice chat.

“Okay, so how do we start? Do I invite you? I can’t… I can’t find your name on the list… oh, here it is. Oh, hey, you already invited me, I guess? How do I accept?”

“How do we start? I guess you have to start. Am I Ready?”

“Am I moving on your screen? It looks like I’m moving on my screen, but then I just snap back into place. Am I… I’m not moving on your screen, am I? Why am I not moving?”

“Why did it take me five minutes to get onto this platform?”

“Stop not throwing the sword! Why isn’t it throwing the sword? I’ve been throwing the sword for ten seconds now, why… oh, you just killed me? Yeah, of course I couldn’t block, I couldn’t stop not throwing the sword!”

“Seriously, is this sword glued to me hand? Or what am I doing wrong here?”

“NIDHOOOOOOOGG!”

“Okay, I’m hosting next time. Maybe that’ll be better for both of us.”

“My opponents apparently are Rapunzel, Black History Month, and Homosexual Duck.”

[note: at this point, we moved to the single-player portion of the game]

“Man, the AI in this game is dumb. I can just trick them into standing on the clouds and they’ll fall and die.”

“The single-player mode isn’t really challenging at all, is it?”

“The AI in this game is BULLSHIT! How can I beat that guy? I hate the mines, you can’t even jump over people! GODDAMNIT, he killed me AGAIN! We’re on his last screen now!”

“Oh god, I hate the Mines so much!”

“Wait, you’re already at Rainbow? How are you already at Rainbow? I’m still on Green! How did you do Green that easily? He’s super hard for me!”

[brag]

“NIDHOOOOOOOOOGG”

“NIDHOOOitlookslikeI’mtryingtoswordyoubutI’mreallynot,sorryfortheconfusingvisualOOOG”

Expect some actual insightful writing about Nidhogg soon.